Ups and Downs/Highs and Lows

Where to begin.......Since our adoption agency told us it would probably be another year to 2 years before we brought our daughter home from China, we thought we should start seeing what else we could do. I did contact the gentlemen in Helena that works with our church but........he painted a very honest picture of what the possible wait time could be. So, we contacted the agency we used to get our miracle, our son, Logan. Well, after many days on bended knees we decided to see if we could get the money to even go through Adoption Network. With a few turn downs we thought the Lord is giving us His answer, but then with our last attempt, we got the loan. So......we are now currently signed up with them to adopt a new born baby. They say there average wait time is 2-4 months, which did happen the first time that we were matched with Matthew's birth mother, but she changed her mind as most of you know. So, anyways, on Thursday morning, after being signed up for about an hour, our counselor called & said there was an African American baby girl born that morning in Colorado & were we willing to take her. Of course the answer was YES! but by that afternoon she was already having second thoughts. So her 72 hour wait to relinquish her parental rights would have been this morning and nothing, no word. She probably chose to parent & yet again my heart is breaking in a million pieces. I'm mad, & sad & just all over achy. In order to have the greatest gift ever given to you, you have to be able to take great risks. I know this, my brain knows it, I wish my heart would catch up though. So, we pick our selves up again & wait for that right birth mother to change our lives forever. I know it will happen, but in the mean time I know I need all of your love, support, & especially your prayers. I also wanted you to know that if I don't return that phone call, or if I keep my distance, its just my defense system. It some days is all I can do, to tell my self to just get out of bed, breath in & out & just keep on going. I know that you will all understand & for this I am truly grateful.